As a new foster parent, the support from Mockingbird is indispensable.
A listening ear, someone who thinks along with you, and welcome care from trusted people who are passionate about foster care. New foster parents Monique and Erik find a lot of valuable support at Mockingbird. Their foster daughter Sterre* (9 years old) has been living with them for a year, and things are going well. "But," says Monique, "there have been times when I thought: I don't want it like this anymore, something has to change."
When Monique and Erik started fostering in 2024, they were immediately able to become part of a new Mockingbird network of foster families. "That was a comforting thought: with all those experienced foster families, there's always someone who knows what's going on."
What is Mockingbird?
What if foster families weren't alone? What if they could rely on a support group of foster families around them?
That's Mockingbird . Foster families living near each other form a network, always with an experienced foster family at the center (foster family hub). By connecting foster families, they become stronger and are more successful in providing a loving and stable environment for foster children. The biological parents of foster children and the biological children of foster parents also play an important role in Mockingbird. And the foster children themselves? Thanks to Mockingbird, they experience that they're not alone. They make friends and have fun with other children going through the same things, so they don't have to explain anything to them. They can always turn to the other families in the network for a chat, a game, or a sleepover.
Mockingbird is there for foster children and their parents. This way, more children have a stable and loving environment to grow up.
She says she's spent a lot of time calling and texting Arianne, the hub home foster parent for this group of foster families, over the past year. "Especially as a new foster parent, there's so much to deal with," says Monique. "It's so wonderful that I can turn to Arianne, who also has a wealth of experience caring for foster children."
Challenges
The challenges Monique discusses with Arianne are diverse. For example, especially in the first few months, her foster daughter experienced quite angry outbursts. "Arianne said: stay with her. Because if you walk away, she thinks: Look, I'm not allowed to be angry. You—as a foster parent—are the one who keeps her safe."
That's also why Sterre prefers to stay close to Monique. This separation anxiety did raise some questions for Monique and Erik, how best to deal with it? Monique: "We were advised to arrange for Erik to take her to bed, even if I'm home. She needs to learn that's okay."
And Monique could go on like this for a while. "For Sterre, it was a year of big changes: she not only came to live with us, but also changed schools and ended up right at Mockingbird. When she came to us, she wasn't potty-trained at night yet. Shouldn't we do something about that soon?" I thought. Luckily, I got another good tip: take it easy, so much has changed for her already."
Sterre brings a lot of love, energy, and camaraderie to Monique and Erik's home. "She can be really silly, and that's why we laugh so much. It's also really nice that Sterre lets us know that it's truly her home here."
Spicy period
Still, it was a bit of a struggle, especially in the beginning. Not only in caring for Sterre, but also in the relationship with her family. "There's a visitation schedule for them, and during the first visitation, they asked if Sterre could stay a little longer. I hesitated, because I didn't really mind if Sterre stayed longer. At the same time, I found it difficult because there had been agreements about the time, with us and the foster care organization," Monique explains. "Thanks to Arianne's support, I felt reassured that I set the boundaries at that time."
During these first few months, Sterre could sometimes get quite angry, which made it quite a challenging time for Monique. "At one point, I told my husband and Arianne: I'm not going to do it this way anymore. Arianne then said: you shouldn't do that, you'll make the child very sad. Of course, we didn't actually want to stop, but we did want something to change. Arianne then advised us to introduce more structure into the visitation schedule. We had some helpful conversations with Sterre's family and the foster care workers. I was very grateful for Arianne's input and advice, which helped me conduct those conversations effectively. The visits and contact are going very well now."
Warmth and acceptance
She also experiences a great deal of support during the Mockingbird meetings, when the foster families meet. "The mutual understanding is very helpful. Foster parents sometimes miss that with their own family and friends. Think, for example, of the way we handle Sterre's tantrums. Moreover, the children at Mockingbird immediately feel a lot of warmth and acceptance, which is very important."
According to Monique, all foster parents share the belief that you want to do the best you can for your foster child, as if they were your own. "When I'm with the foster parents, I feel safe," she says. "Safe in how I do things, but also safe to dare to ask for things. It's also nice to hear from other foster parents: 'Oh, this behavior isn't so strange, because she's been living with you a bit longer and is also trying things out. It's part of it!'" Finding recognition and acknowledgement creates a bond, Monique finds. "Over time, the foster families also start helping each other more and more. And of course, it's wonderful to see how the friendships between the children have grown. Every now and then, a friend of Mockingbird even comes to stay with us for a night."
A familiar place
Monique is happy that Sterre has now fully settled in at home. "She was angry the other day, and I asked her, 'Why are you so angry? Do you do that at school too?' She said, 'No, but you're my parents, so I can do it.'"
She also enjoys seeing how familiar Sterre is with the hub home foster parents. "She's already looking forward to Arianne coming to stay overnight to look after her and the dogs. Erik and I can then get away for a night to celebrate our wedding anniversary. We do that with peace of mind, because we know Sterre is so comfortable with Arianne, and because Arianne is incredibly experienced with foster children."
*Sterre's name has been changed for privacy reasons.