Loneliness can affect your child too. But it often remains invisible and intangible. Here's how you can recognize loneliness and talk to your child about it.
What exactly is loneliness?
The website "One Against Loneliness" uses this definition: "Loneliness is feeling disconnected. You experience a lack of a close, emotional bond with others. Or you have less contact with other people than you'd like."
This definition also applies to children, although a child will usually express it more concretely, for example, "I have no one to play with."
'Lonely' is different from 'alone'
Loneliness isn't the same as being alone. When someone is alone, you can see it. It's a situation that can be both positive and negative. Loneliness isn't visible (or difficult to see). It's a feeling. You don't have to feel lonely when you're alone. And sometimes you can feel very lonely even when you're surrounded by others.
Loneliness means missing something in your social relationships, and this can vary greatly from person to person. A child, for example, might feel lonely because they have fewer or no friends than they'd like. But children might also have many friends but lack a best friend—someone they can share everything with and who truly understands them. Loneliness can also stem from a difficult home life.
What is normal, what is worrying?
Feelings of loneliness are part of life, even for children. When a child feels lonely, it's a sign that something is missing. Think of it like hunger or thirst. It can motivate someone to take action. For example, by actively seeking out new friends or a true best friend.
When feelings of loneliness last a long time and overshadow everything else in a child's life, there's a problem. Prolonged, severe loneliness affects their sense of happiness and can cause mental and physical problems. In such cases, it's important for a child to be able to talk about it.
What signals can you look out for?
Loneliness isn't always immediately apparent. However, you can watch for some signs. For example, a child might withdraw, become irritable, exhibit demanding behavior, have a decreased appetite, or experience frequent stomach aches. See also this signaling chart . Ask questions if you notice any changes in your child, but don't force anything.
Sometimes traumatic events can trigger feelings of loneliness. Think of a divorce, a move, or the transition to high school. Even happy events, such as the arrival of a new brother or sister, can have an impact. In that case, be extra alert to the signs.
Make it a topic of discussion
Many children are ashamed of feelings of loneliness and think it's their fault. Discuss the topic and don't avoid it. Normalize the feeling, but don't minimize the problem.
Always acknowledge your child's feelings. Explain that loneliness is a normal, human feeling that everyone experiences from time to time. But that it's very unpleasant to feel this way and that's why it's good to talk about it. Listen without judgment and let your child know that they can rely on you.
Then, look for solutions together. Discuss with your child what they need. For example, ask: What could help you feel less alone? You can also offer to take steps together (having a meeting at school, planning an activity, helping them connect).
Since I started high school, I've felt "empty" inside and feel like I have no emotions. I keep this to myself because I don't want to be a burden to anyone.
Tips for a good conversation
Children want to talk about loneliness, but without good questions, they'll remain silent. Are you working with the " Ask differently " conversation starters? These are helpful tips for a good conversation.
1. Choose your moment
The best conversations don't happen when you sit down to have them, but spontaneously, in everyday moments. During dinner, a car ride, or doing the dishes. Sometimes it's also easier to talk when you're doing something together and you don't necessarily have to look each other in the eye.
2. Non-verbal communication also counts
Talking isn't just about words. You can also express a great deal with your eyes, hands, and body language. Be aware of your own nonverbal communication and adopt an open, interested, and active (listening) attitude.
3. Go for equality
Ask questions out of genuine interest. Not out of curiosity, a need to verify, or a judgment. A child senses that instinctively. So, don't ask: "Have you made any new friends at school yet?" But rather: "There are a lot of kids at school you don't know yet, what do you think of them?"
4. Ask for an experience or perception
Try to connect your questions to your child's thoughts or feelings about something. You can do this in stages: start with a specific question and gradually delve deeper into it.
For example: How far do you have to walk if you have to change classrooms? Which classrooms are the furthest apart? How do you feel about this walk between classes? And so on.
5. Acknowledge the answer
You don't always have to agree with your child or immediately offer a solution. First, let them know you've heard what they're saying and that you understand their feelings.
For example: "So you're upset about the hassle you had with your friends today. I can imagine that's difficult."
Good question!
With children and young people, (too) open and direct questions often don't work as well. But what constitutes a "good" question?
- A specific question is easier to answer. Start small and ask questions gradually. For example: "Who makes a lot of jokes in class? And who is quieter? Are you more of the active or the quiet children? What do you think about that?"
- Use your own examples to connect with your child. For example: "I never used to enjoy starting school after the weekend. Do you also find it frustrating or enjoyable?"
- A multiple-choice question or "dilemma" can also help a child answer, while also confirming that their opinion matters. For example: "What would you choose: chilling at home all afternoon or playing soccer in the playground all afternoon?" Of course, you can follow up with a follow-up question: "Why do you choose that?"
Now it's your turn!
All questions are meant as conversation starters. They won't always lead to an in-depth conversation right away, and that's okay. The point is to give you ideas for other questions to ask your child. Because that will also lead to a different kind of conversation. Besides, every child and every parent is unique. So: just experiment and see what works for you. Have fun and good luck!
Loneliness is a hollow feeling inside. No one sees you or talks to you, as if you don't exist.
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